Our interview with the Twitter Fail Whale.

Recently, Satiritron was lucky enough to sit down with the famous Twitter Fail Whale, to talk about his life and journey.

Satiritron: Thanks for talking with me today.

Fail Whale: I’m happy to, so long as you don’t ask me why Twitter’s down.

Satiritron: What?

Fail Whale: I don’t KNOW, okay? I never know why the goddamn thing is down.

S: Sorry, I wasn’t asking why Twitter’s down.

FW: Okay, fine. Maybe you weren’t then. I’m SORRY. But, Christ, I get asked that a lot.

S: Really?

FW: Oh, shit, yes. Every day; I had to get an unlisted number because of this shit. I was getting hundreds of people phoning me every single day to ask me when it would be coming back up. Here’s a news flash for you, Jack: I’M A GODDAMN WHALE. I have no idea.

S: So Twitter using you as their under construction hasn’t been a positive for you?

FW: Listen to me. If I could go back in time and stop the guy who drew me from ever doing that, I would. I would stab him in the throat with a fossilized nun if I had to. Do you get me? If I had to pick one word to describe what my life is currently like, it would be hellish.

S: Really?

FW: Oh yeah.

S: Why’s that?

FW: Because I’m a joke, asshole! I feel like Thomas Crapper.

S: I’m not sure I understand that reference.

FW: So you’re illiterate AND ugly? Wonderful. I’m synonymous with something SUCKING, for God’s sake. Do you know how that makes a person feel?

S: No, I don’t.

FW: Well, I can tell you that it makes a person feel like a pile of garbage.

S: Understandable. Pardon me for saying, but I imagined, based on the iconic image of you, that you’d be a happy, care-free person.

FW: I used to be, but Twitter’s ruined me. Ev Williams has ripped out my soul and stomped on it like a hyperactive tween with those shoes with the wheels on the bottom. I loathe those stupid shoes.

S: What shoes?

FW: You know, the shoes that little kids wear with the wheel in the heel of them. They skid around like idiots for about two feet before they nearly fall over. Hey, you little shits, it’s called walking, okay? Try it.

S: Okay, I think I know what you’re talking about.

FW: Finally. You’re halfway to being an idiot savant, aren’t you? Oh! That’s another thing! Trending Topics. I want to tell everyone I’ll ever meet, everyone who’ll ever phone me at 3 in the morning or e-mail me when I’m on the toilet, that, NO, I can’t make anything a trending topic, so don’t ask. And I can’t promote your Tweets for you. I’m not an employee of Twitter, okay? I’m a cartoon whale with no hands.

S: Are you okay?

FW: No, not for a long time.

S: Anyway, getting back to the illustration itself, you look like you’re having a whole lot of fun with the birds. Was it fun, being lifted up by those friendly birds?

FW: Let me tell you something: those birds can go fuck themselves, for all I care.

S: But they’re cute little birds!

FW: No, no, no, no, no! No, okay? They’re not cute or friendly at all: they’re evil little buggers who kept pecking at my head.

S: Really?

FW: Yes, the birds were trying to eat my HEAD. They can rot.

S: Wow. Being so well-known in tech circles, are you much of a technophile?

FW: I’m a WHALE! How am I going to use a computer?

S: I don’t know. Maybe the birds could help?

FW: I’d rather die.

S: Fair enough. I’ve got just one last question for you. If you could deliver one message to the people who see your smiling face every day, what would it be?

FW: That’s easy. It’d be this: Hey assholes, I don’t work for Twitter, okay? Stop asking me when the goddamn service is going to be back up.

S: Thanks for your time, Fail Whale.

FW: I hate every living thing on this planet.