Holy Christ, I Love Fonts!

Do you like fonts? I do. I think fonts are the most delightful things ever. I like fonts so much that I would say that I love them. I love fonts so much it brings a tear to my eye. They make common words seem remarkable, they make boring copy seem special, they make pathetic products seem purchasable.

Fonts are the sultry sirens who call you to the shore, showering you with beauty and affection.

What’s that? You don’t know what a font is? How can you not know what a font is? How is it that you’ve made it this far through your life without knowing what a font is? Your ignorance, it’s unimaginable. I would like to tell you to go fuck yourself, in a lovely 30 point ITC Gorilla font, but you wouldn’t appreciate it.

A font is a collection of every character set of a single style of a particular typeface. They make the letters of words look different. Some have serifs, which are the little flares on the tips of the letters, and some do not. The differences are magical! When I design banners, I use a font like Futura to make the text seem strong, yet quirky. I use Giddyup to make the text seem strong, yet elegant. I use Helvetica never, because it is commonplace shit and I hate it.

I get upset at fonts that I don’t like. WIth their different looks, they have a character, a personality, and some fonts, I just hate them. Like Helvetica, which I mentioned a moment ago. Pay attention! I dislike Badaboom because it tries to hard to be fun and lively, but comes off looking like a cheap whore. Dirty Headline is an idiot hipster who has no idea how stupid he is.

Comic Sans is worse than Hitler.

What’s that, you say? You don’t care about fonts? You think that the way the text on an advertisement or product label looks matters only to designers? To that I would say: do you think it matters to no one if you are ugly? If I poured acid on your face and deformed you, would that only be of interest to your whorish mother? Because that is what a bad font choice is like.

You seem like scum to me, because you don’t care about fonts.

Once I carved a lowercase b out of plastic, in an Arial font, just so I could fellate it, because it is such a versatile font. It was delightful, and the lowercase b, it begged me for more. I was happy to provide.

Fonts are the single most important element in advertising today. A nice slogan, excellent graphic design, and a wonderful product mean nothing if the font on the banner ad informing people about it isn’t just right. Choosing an exquisite font is the most important life-and-death decision you could ever make, and I make such decisions every day, for I am a designer who understands the value of fonts.

What’s that, you say? I sound pretentious, talking endlessly about my obsession with arcane typefaces, when there are more important things in the world to worry about? Fuck you, I say: perhaps it is you, with your pedestrian obsession with food, shelter, and Dancing with the Stars, who needs your priorities straightened out. Did you ever think of that, font hater? Why do you hate fonts so? Are you tasteless, or perhaps blind? Do you hate joy, whimsy, or Bank Gothic? Do you feel as though you were wronged by Kelvinized Normal? You’re scum, and I hate you.

I think that if I ever met you, I would like to stab you in the throat with an axe made out of a letter K written in Frutiger.

But anyway, enough of this talk of me killing you for being so ignorant. Back to my favourite topic: fonts!

A good font is like a beautiful woman, and if they were beautiful women, I would have my way them. I would ravish them. Oh, yes, I would make sweet love to my favourite fonts, just to show them how much I care, and they would appreciate it very much. I would grab their hips and pull them tightly to me, hoping that our fevered union would create some sort of beautiful font-man hybrid I could use in advertisements for discounted domestic automobiles. I would take Trebuchet MS in the bathroom, for she would be a fun-loving but cheap woman, who would not have high standards, but probably also no diseases. I would hold Impact by the ears in a darkened alleyway, because she would be a slut, and deep-throating a designer such as myself, one who truly loves fonts, would be the only way she could climax. Trajan Pro I would fuck majestically in a palatial hotel room, for she would be a stunning woman, deserving of care, tenderness, and lubrication.

Times New Roman would not be an attractive woman, but the things she would be able to do because of her age and experience: oh, my. What a delightful woman she would be. What a lover!

Truly, I love fonts, as you can see. I appreciate them on a level few can, and if you do not share my deep understanding and adoration, then I hate you, and I hope that you die.