The Discovery of Arsenic-Based Life is Not as Important as My New Record
Let me lay this shit out for you. There’s so much strife in the world today, with these NASA scientists acting like a totally new type of life is as important as my new record, but I’m going to fix it all. In this single blog post. READY?
Previous to my first record, “The College Dropout,” the musical world was dark and shapeless, just like the universe before God made all things. In fact, my musical creation was so fantastic that I wonder sometimes I’m actually God himself — literally, for real. Seriously. I made my album and the world BEGAN, you know?
Whether or not I’m the dude upstairs, we can all agree that my first record was fresh. FRESH. I worked so hard on that, I spent a thousand years crafting each beat. It was like, man, it was better than any fine pin-stripe Armani you’re ever going to see. That first album was reality coming together for the first time. Seriously.
My second album, “Late Registration,” was like the first time humans stepped foot on another planet, man. For real! When those old guys stepped on the moon for the first time, like, KABLOW, it was crazy! Every person alive remembers where they were the day my second album dropped. Me, I was flying through the giant black hole at the centre of our galaxy, on a spaceship built by Daft Punk, powered by my lyrical genius.
I’VE GOT THE MAD SCIENCE KNOLEDGE! YOU SEE IT!
What I’m trying to say here is that for as long as I’ve been making records, I’ve been more important than whatever else is going on in the universe. You see it, I know you do. This shit I do is for real. It’s transcendent. It’s eternal. It’s not some tiny fucking bacteria.
So now some scientists from NASA come out, talking about some new life they’ve found. Bacteria. Alien life, but here on Earth. No ETs in my back yard! But whatever. These blobs of snot, they’ve got arsenic in the bones of their DNA, and the news is all up about this. How this changes our view of life not just on my little marble. But IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. How this changes how we look for the little Kanye fans on other planets.
Shit, that’s pretty cool, right? But you know what’s even cooler than that? I was just in Dubai. MY CONCERT WAS OFF THE HOOK. For real! You know what’s even cooler than THAT, I ask you? My new album, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,” ITS OUT, and it’s full of the tightest music you’ve ever seen. For real. We played this to folks at a preview, and the guys cried. The women got pregnant from my impossibly expressive lyrics. And their babies CAN FLY.
My songs turned a desert into the Grand Canyon. Before my very eyes, I swear to God.
And here are these dudes in their white coats and their nerdmobiles, getting the newspapers and the TV stations to talk about this new alien life. Filling up the airwaves with that. With the alien life out there, instead of the most important thing going on right here, on Earth. My music.
When I sleep I dream genius dreams. For real, they’re so smart I write books about them. MY BOOKS HAVE EARNED 83 NOBEL PRIZES! Last night I had a dream that these poor little kids wanted to find out about my new album, but they couldn’t because everyone was talking about the aliens. The little kids couldn’t find out how to buy my new album, which caused an Earthquake yesterday, it’s so good. Can you believe that? Can you believe that NASA would do that to those kids?
When I woke up from my dream I called the police and told them to charge NASA with child abuse.
Now NASA is in jail, AND MY RECORD HAS BEEN SET FREE. Buy it now, because it’s so damn good it made the continents SHIFT SO THEY SPELL MY NAME IN THE OCEANS.
GOD BLESS KANYE WEST.