Dvorak: People Say My Predictions Are Wrong, But I Was Right About Christmas Happening Again, So Suck It

So everybody’s been making a big deal about tech pundits, and how accurate they are. They say that they’re so terrible at making predictions that they’d do better if they just flipped a coin. Now, ordinarily I’d be fine to let that sort of thing go, because most of these tech pundits are jerks, but people keep having the nerve to put me on the list of tech pundits who get most of their stuff wrong.

That’s a bunch of crap, right there.

I wrote a great column this week in Marketwatch about how I’m right about things all the time; I’m so accurate that if all tech pundits are batting .400, then I shouldn’t even be called a tech pundit. I should be in a league all by myself, because ALL OF THE THINGS I say will happen DO HAPPEN. My track record is 1.000!

But, no, there’s this bunch of baloney going around that I don’t know what I’m talking about, and that while I may actually know the specifics of technology, I’ve got my head so far up my butt when it comes to making predictions that my accuracy will skyrocket when my cold, lifeless body is dumped in the ground. Which is ridiculous, because among so many other things, I correctly called — on the record, on my world-wide hit show No Agenda — that Christmas would happen in 2011. And lookie lookie lookie, it did!

On December 30th, 2010, in the episode of No Agenda called “Moon Base on Mars,” I correctly predicted that there would be a Christmas on December 25th, 2011. This is ON THE RECORD. This is a verifiable fact that you can look up.

What do you say to that, naysayers?

If you still want to challenge me on my accuracy, on an episode of TWiT in 2008, I BOLDLY PROCLAIMED that the planet wouldn’t explode for no apparent reason the next day. And it didn’t! Also, back on October 5, 2009, MONTHS before the iPad was announced, I wrote a really great column for PC Mag — it’s awesome, you should read it — where I laid out my theories for the iPad, which Apple hadn’t even told anyone about yet! In that wonderful column, I said that the iPad wouldn’t be just an e-reader. I’m going to quote myself, because MY WORDS GIVE ME CHILLS:

The idea of a touchscreen, full-colour e-book reader combined with a device that can run those 80,000 iPhone apps as well as easily browse the internet does have appeal.

See? I was the only tech pundit to accurately guess how many units the iPad would sell in 2010, as you can see by my above words.

My legions of haters can shove it.

What about the times I’ve been wrong? I was looking through my records, and you know what? I can’t find any time I was wrong about anything. Ever. I was right when I said that the Apple Switch ads wouldn’t make anybody switch to the Mac. And when I said Apple would abandon Mac OS X and use Windows. And about Apple open-sourcing Mac OS X. And about the iPhone being a non-starter that no one would ever buy. And about nobody ever wanting to use a computer mouse. And about nobody ever wanting to use Twitter.

As you can plainly see, the list of my correctness goes on and on and on.

Also, don’t forget, I was right about Christmas happening this year. I’m even willing to go on the record to predict that it will happen in 2012, too. I PREDICT YOU’LL GET LOTS OF PRESENTS.