News, , death, iphone, tragedy, white privilege — January 9, 2012 14:45 — 0 Comments
Girl Dies After Not Receiving iPhone 4S For Her Birthday, Like She’d Asked For
Tragedy struck Santa Ana this weekend when Tiffani Bryce, 16, literally died because she didn’t receive the White iPhone 4S she’d asked for for her birthday. The otherwise happy and healthy young woman dropped dead at her lavish birthday party, which was held in her family’s 12,000-square foot house, and featured a live performance by Chamillionaire. After consuming all the cake and caviar she could handle, and receiving a raft of expensive gifts from the ninety-seven friends attending her party, her parents brought out a tray lined with several small boxes for Tiffani to open.
Tiffani saved what she thought was the box for her new iPhone 4S until last, first opening her other gifts, which included seven hundred dollars cash, a fur coat, an iPad, and a diamond ring. “She was so happy as she opened all of her other gifts, it was wonderful.” Said her mother, Jenna Bryce. “But then she opened the last one.”
It was an iPhone 4, not an iPhone 4S.
“She started screaming that we’d gotten her the wrong phone, and that we’d have to exchange it, but they were out of stock. We couldn’t find a 4S in the stores.” Jenna said. “We told her that, we told her that if we’d got her an iPhone 4S we wouldn’t have gotten it to her in time for her birthday, but she didn’t care.”
Tiffani reportedly threw the iPhone 4 box into her family’s 100-foot pool, narrowly missing the swans, then berated her parents for not understanding how much she wanted and needed it, and how stupid they were for not getting her the right phone, or for realizing how important the faster processor of the iPhone 4S, along with Apple’s Siri, which isn’t available on any other model of phone, really was. Tiffani’s parents, along with their butler and the three cast members of The Jersey Shore who’d been hired to be guests at her party, tried to calm her down, to no avail.
Then, seemingly without warning, Tiffani clutched her chest and dropped to the floor, unconscious. Chamillionaire attempted CPR on the birthday girl, but by the time paramedics arrived, it was too late: Tiffani had died.
Tiffani’s death highlights a growing problem in today’s affluent youth: when they don’t get every little thing they want, they die. This has been reported anecdotally for years, but now medical literature is providing more and more evidence that rather than being a pompous, self-entitled hissy fit by children who’ve never had to work for anything ever, don’t know the value of a dollar, and think that no matter what else is going on in the entire world, they should always come first, it is, in actuality, a desperate cry for help.
“She told me she’d die if she didn’t get it, but I didn’t believe her.” Said Tiffani’s father, Mark. Such comments are common in these cases, where hard-working parents who understand how to sacrifice for people they care for, who mean well but nonetheless instil their children with values that those with less discretionary income call horrifying, think their children are simply acting out, but this isn’t the case. These children, all of them, really do need the latest iPhone, a new car, hundreds of dollars a week in allowance and incredibly elaborate birthday parties that cost more than many people make in a month, if not an entire year.
How is it that these children can come to need the next greatest thing, in such a real way? According to her autopsy, when Tiffani didn’t get an iPhone 4S, her heart literally stopped. “This new gadget was as important to her, on a physiological level, as life-saving penicillin is to a severe diabetic.” Said Tomar Genosi, the Santa Ana medical examiner. He continued: “People don’t realize that for affluent children, born into an environment of endless privilege and gratification, the latest new thing, whatever it may be, acts as a sort of immune system booster, inoculating them from cardiac and renal failure, as well as a number of viral infections. Their nervous system comes to expect the new computer, fur coat, or eyeglass frames made of pure ivory, and after a period of time, it becomes reliant on it to an extent that they literally can’t function without it. In short, when your bratty, snot-nosed child demands this or that new gadget or bauble, telling you they need it, that without it not only will they be laughed at by every single other person in school, all of whom will certainly have it because their parents love them more, that they simply won’t survive, they mean it, and they’re right.”
To help combat this growing epidemic of dying children of privilege, California’s Department of Health Services has issued several statements warning parents not to ignore their rich children’s complaints that they’re not receiving an endless stream of lavish gifts, saying that such complaints should be taken as seriously as a morbidly obese 55-year old man grabbing his chest and loudly yelling that he can’t feel his left arm, please help, oh god, please help. In addition, several children’s rights groups are petitioning the state legislature to submit a bill that would make satisfying every single whim of a parent’s hyper-privileged little angels, all of whom already receive enough of an allowance from their doe-eyed parents to get everything themselves, a legal requirement. To help prevent circumstances like Tiffani’s, where well-meaning parents tried to get the requested bauble but weren’t able to, charitable organizations such as ‘Gabbana for All,” are attempting to create an emergency reserve of these products, which could be accessed by parents who’ve otherwise failed to acquire them, in order to save lives.
A memorial service for Tiffani Bryce will be held on Tuesday, in a blimp circling Las Vegas, while 1,000 stallions race through the desert outside of the city, beating her name indelibly into the dirt with their hooves. Said Tiffani’s parents: “It’s what she would have wanted, and we’re not going to fail her again.”