Michael Arrington: I Have Strong Opinions About Things, So Listen to Me

I’m Michael Arrington.

I’m a lawyer, founded TechCrunch — which is so popular it gives me diarrhea — and after that started Uncrunched. People listen to me because I’m smart and almost always right, but the most important people listen to me is because I have strong opinions about things.

So listen to me, you idiot.

Some people say I get worked up about things too much, but you know what I have to say to those people? Fuck you, assholes! When I get worked up about the things I have strong opinions about it’s a beautiful thing, so back off. If you’re not careful, I might get a strong opinion about YOU, and brother, you don’t want that. If I get a strong opinion about you, you’d better run and hide.

Boo, stupid!

Here’s a partial list of some of the things I have a strong opinion about:

• Jerry Yang, who’s an idiot and should have been fired years ago;
• Pando Daily, which you should read because it’s like fucking crack for your brain;
• Delta Airlines, who suck slightly less than a dead man’s cock;

Want more of my opinions, you greedy shits? Fine: I have an opinion about Fusion Garage. And Dan Lyons! I hate them both. Also? I hate how good security is around Henry Ford’s grave.

Assholes pulled me out of his casket after I was laying with him for just TWO minutes. Can you believe that? It took me HOURS to dig the thing up, and then … boom.

Would you care to come to the station with us, sir?

No, I would not.

Too bad, sir. Please put Mr. Ford’s teeth back and step out of his grave.

I have a strong opinion about how annoyed that made me!

In case you think I’m just some kind of angry one-trick pony, I can tell you that I don’t just have strong opinions about technology: no, I pretty much have strong opinions about everything. Think I won’t have anything to say about unimportant things like television, or food? You’re wrong! American Idol is a piece of shit, The Big Bang Theory makes me weep tears of joy, and Apple Pie can go fuck itself.

See? Strong opinions about everything!

I even have strong opinions about strong opinions: mine are great!

I walked past a Pug on the street yesterday, and I hated it. I hated the scarf its owner was wearing, too; who the fuck wears blue scarves anymore? It’s an affront to my humanity.

You know what else I have a strong opinion about? Coming up with funny, witty, or insightful endings to posts I write. If you have a good idea then endings are great, but what if you don’t? If you don’t have an ending for whatever you’re writing then you have to sit in front of your iPad until you come up with one, which is bullshit. Which is what I’m doing right now, because I can’t think of a good way to end this. I’m trying, but failing, to come up with point to make, something to wrap up this post about strong opinions with, something larger than just “I have strong opinions,” but I can’t. Is this about freedom of speech, or knowledge, or something like that?

Hell, no.

It’s about the fact that you should listen to me because I have strong opinions, but I’ve already told you that!

You know what? Fuck coming up with a good ending, I’m just going to stop writing.