Microsoft to Fix the Bug in Windows Phone That Makes it Uninteresting to all Smartphone Users

Microsoft announced today a pending update to Windows Phone 7.5, which will address a number of outstanding issues with the smartphone operating system, most notably the well-known bug that renders Windows Phones completely uninteresting to all smartphone users.

The software glitch, experienced by everyone who has ever looked at a Windows Phone, causes the product to be completely, mind-numbingly boring to them. Typically, after experiencing the glitch, smartphone users will put the affected Windows Phone down, then pick up another smartphone, which the user is infinitely more likely to give two shits about. Though various forms of this bug have been noted since the first releases of Windows Mobile, last year’s Windows Phone 7 was released into a vastly different market, where Microsoft could no longer rely on competing smartphones being so hideously painful to use that customers would choose their product even though it would literally put them to sleep after holding the things for more than five minutes.

MG Siegler, partner at CrunchFund and writer for TechCrunch, offered this grim analysis: “Microsoft’s been sitting with their thumb up their butt for 11 years, ignoring that this bug existed even as hundreds of reports were filed. It’s hard to imagine that they’ll actually ever fix this bug, and virtually impossible to imagine that it’ll do them any good. The market has spoken: people want things they want, not things they don’t care about in the least.”

But the future for Microsoft’s smartphone efforts might not be completely bleak, according to Joe Belfiore, the Corporate VP in charge of Windows Phone: “It’s taken us a little longer than it should have to fix the boring bug. I admit that. We dragged our heels. But the issue’s been fixed, and Windows Phone 7 is about to become not just not-uninteresting, but actively interesting. I can confidently say that this has been the only thing holding Windows Phone back from making a huge dent in the market. We’re about to soar.”

According to Belfiore, this most recent update to Windows Phone, internally referred to as “Lohan,” will be rolled out to carriers this Friday, where it will be distributed to users as soon as possible. Whether anyone will notice or give a single solitary fuck remains to be seen.